( as the thunder starts to crash )

[jason andrew irving]

Ever since Jason arrived back in Salt Lake after his trip to New York, insomnia seemed to take over his nights. The previous night had been no different. Even with Ana in his arms, it had taken what felt like ages for him to actually fall asleep. And after he finally did, he woke up only a couple hours later. By the time the sun was up and Annie was stirring, he had been awake four times throughout the night. Lately, that wasn’t uncommon. Some nights, he only woke up three times, other times, he was up five or six different times, sometimes only a half an hour apart. He had no idea what was causing it, either. Yes, they were engaged now, but if that had something to do with his lack of sleep, he figured he would have started having problems sleeping in New York, but he had slept without a problem there. First getting back to Utah, he knew he would have problems thanks to the jet lag, but it didn’t last a few days like it should have. It was a month later and he still wasn’t sleeping. The few nightmares he had weren’t bad enough to wake him up, either. He only had two since he got back, one of which was completely random. The one that had pertained to the wreck hadn’t sent him into one of his tumbling, sweating fits, it had just been an accident. He hadn’t woke up with his heart about to jump out of his chest or gasping for breath, he had just felt really depressed afterwards. And he had even become accustom to that depressed feeling again, which he related to his lack of sleep. He knew it had nothing to do with his new relationship status; in fact, the only time he ever really felt happy was when he was with his fiancé.

He had given up going back to sleep as the sun was peeking through his window and had rolled gently out of bed, knowing Ana tended to stir when he did. She didn’t this time, and he blamed that on the time. It was a couple hours before he’d usually be getting up on the weekend, about an hour before he’d be rolling out of bed before his first class during the week. Grumbling quietly to himself, he sighed and slouched into the closet, keeping quiet so he didn’t wake Annie. The dogs had slowly grown accustom to sleeping downstairs, so he wouldn’t have to worry about them yet. With a weary sigh, he pulled a pair of jeans from a hanger and put them on over top of his boxers, grabbing a plain white v-neck to wear over top of it. He was about to leave his closet before remembering it was beginning to cool off and he turned back, grabbing one of his boldly striped hoodies and pulling it on over his head, leaving the hood up so it covered up about half of his curls, the rest sticking out of the front in a messy way. Not in the mood to go back in his room and risk waking his girlfriend up, he pulled on a pair of gray tennis shoes without any socks, not that he was complaining. He was the type of guy who wasn’t really fond of socks. Going into his bathroom, he brushed his teeth, or rather he chewed on his toothbrush for less than a minute before cutting through his closet and heading quietly down the stairs.

As he stepped off of the last step, he peered into the living room and saw Annie’s large Great Dane curled up with his little Australian Shepherd. A little snort of laughter escaped him as Dash looked up at him and wagged her little tail before resting her head back on Dozer’s back. It was quite a sight, the puppy much larger than his full grown dog. Sighing, he walked in his kitchen, trying to figure out why he was in there; he wasn’t hungry and he’d just stop at the SLRC on his way to…well, where ever it was he ended up going. Glancing around the kitchen, he caught sight of his iPod and picked it up, shoving it into his pocket, deciding he’d go to the park. He opened the drawer next to the stove and pulled out a piece of paper, writing Annie a simple little note telling her where he had disappeared to, deciding to go to Jordan River Parkway, jotting down “I love you” instead of his name; she‘d obviously know it was from him. Setting it in the middle of the table, he knew she’d see it and he sighed, feeling down again as he fought back a tired yawn. It was getting bad enough, he was beginning to wonder whether or not he should make a doctor’s appointment to see why he suddenly couldn’t sleep as well as he use to. Or maybe his mental breakdowns that had happened after the wreck were finally catching up to him and it was time to see that psychologist Ana had suggested months ago. He use to be the guy who could sleep anywhere and now he had the hardest time falling asleep in his own bed and whether it was mental or physical, something wasn’t right.

With a roll of his eyes, he sighed and gave up, pulling the phone book he had only used a few times since he moved to Salt Lake out of one of the kitchen drawers and flipped it open. Sitting at the kitchen table, he ripped off some of the extra paper from Ana’s note and wrote down the first few numbers he saw listed under “therapist”. He felt like he was giving up, like he was admitting to having some sort of mental disorder even though he knew Ana had been right when she brought it up before; it wasn’t just that, she wanted the real him back and lately he hadn’t been feeling like himself. It was time for him to take matters into his own hands before it turned out like it had before. Even though she had the platinum band around her finger, he knew if things became too tense, it didn’t have to stay there. Besides, he could fix things before they became worse just by seeing someone. He just hoped he wouldn’t be made out into some psycho if he resorted to seeing a shrink because he was turning into an insomniac and because of that becoming depressed. Making sure his phone was in his pocket, he sighed again and shoved the paper in his pocket, heading out to his car.

For a few minutes he just sat in his car, not quite sure if he really wanted to go to the park now. What was he going to do there? He had told himself time and time again he needed to start running again, but he simply didn’t feel like it. His lack of sleep made it so he often didn’t feel like doing things he knew he should. The reason was clear: he was tired. He also knew that his depression wasn’t any true sort of depression caused by the chemicals in his brain going haywire, it was merely because he was constantly drained. Turning the key in the ignition, he pulled his phone from his pocket and dialed a familiar number as he backed onto the main road and put the car in driving, heading for the local coffee shop. He needed to put an end to this before it started hurting his school work as well as his relationship.

When he arrived at the parkway, he felt a little bit more awake thanks to the large coffee cup that was now sitting empty in one of the cup holders and he had an appointment at the hospital at the end of the week to figure out why he couldn’t sleep. From the rumors he had heard, when insomnia randomly set in, it was usually because of a new stress. Yes, his schoolwork had suddenly gone into overload and he was now engaged, but neither one of those made him feel stressed. School just required studying, and though some nights he felt like just giving up, it wasn’t much worse than the previous year. Whatever, it was up to the doctors to figure out what was causing his mind to be messed up this time. The silence of the car was bothering him, so he plugged his ears with his headphones and turned on his iPod, his dark eyebrows raising slightly at the first song that came on and with a shrug to himself, he got out of the car and began his walk, locking his car as he left it behind.

After a whole fifteen minutes of wandering through the park, he flopped down on the nearest bench and rested his head in his hands, only pulling one hand away to change the song on his iPod. About four songs into his walk, he realized there had been a theme in the music he was choosing to listen to and it wasn’t really improving his mood. Every Light in the House, Hurt a Lot Worse When You Go, Who’s Kissing You Tonight. They were all heartbreak country songs he had been listening to. Kenny Chesney was currently singing the sad lyrics that were flowing into his mind, and only when the voice began to sing now the sun’s going down on my broken heart did he change the song to one of Taylor Swift’s that brought a tiny smile to his face, one that seemed to be quite fitting lately. As her familiar song started up, he sighed, debating whether or not he wanted to text Annie and see if she was awake yet. Taylor’s lyrics were explaining how he felt rather accurately as she continued to sing and I’m only me when I’m with you.

TAGS ; Opennnn!
WORDS ; One Thousand, Six Hundred, Sixty Eight
OUTFIT ; Standing Out In The Rain
CAR ; 2009 Mercedes

[/center]

[macy rose marlin]

you cry but you don't tell anyone,
that you might not be the golden one

Macy Marlin was, as usual, up before the sun. It wasn't an unusual thing for her to be up at four or five in the morning, and today was no different. It was exactly a quarter after five, dressed and ready to face the day; or at least, in appearance. She was dressed in a blue shirt, the sleeves rolled up to just beneath her elbows, a pair of simple old Levi jeans, and a pair of her favorite old cowboy boots that had seen better days. Still, they were her most comfortable pair. She loved the things. They had seen her through the days of rodeo and rodeo princess competitions, as well as numerous horses, broken bones and who eve knew what else? Needless to say, they were a pretty faithful pair of boots. Her hair was shoved back in a loose braid, reaching to the middle of her back, the sides of her hair falling over her ears slightly. Still, somehow it didn't really look sloppy.

Still, there was something in her gaze that just wasn't really quite right. Truth was, she was still struggling with being homesick. Sure, it had been over a month since she had returned from her summer vacation in Mississippi, but time had yet to change how much she missed the place; in fact, it seemed it was only getting worse. There had been several occasions over the last month that she had been tempted to jump in her old Chevy and just drive until she hit that Mississippi state line. But she knew she couldn't. She had commitments here in Salt Lake that she had to see through. Still, it hadn't kept her from crying herself to sleep on a couple of nights and waking up disoriented in the morning. This one had been the same. She had had to take a few moments to remember everything, that she was in college now, and not at home in her bed in Mississippi. It had been a bit of a shock, and she felt like complete crap this morning, despite the fact that she looked peppy and too alert and awake for five a.m.

Still. It was a Saturday and she had nothing to do. No classes, no horses to train, she thought with something that was the beginning of a sob. Ugh. She needed to get out and do something. Anything. Sitting around her apartment and moping would do her absolutely no good. Macy had always been a very proactive person that way. If you didn't feel good, then get out and do something about it. And of course, today was no exception, so she grabbed her keys and slipped out the door, locking it behind her and checking that it was secure before bounding down her stairs. She made no effort to be quiet, which was unusual, as her boots were a little loud on the stairs and normally it was something she would have worried about. Still, lately, little concerned her. It was a little malicious of her, if that was even possible, but she just didn't even care at this point. She just wanted to go home.

Macy heaved a sigh as she unlocked her pickup and slid in. The key was shoved in the ignition before she bent forward, resting her forehead on the steering wheel in the pose of a person who is completely beaten. She drew a deep breath, steadying herself. Being homesick was pointless. It wouldn't change the situation, and the fact that, for the time being, she was in Salt Lake. Moping wouldn't help. She had another 2 years here, and that was that. She flinched as she thought the number. That was a long time. She shook her head, angry at herself for being so stupid about this. She grabbed the key and turned it, listening to her engine sputter before turning over. Ugh. She needed to have the thing looked at before it completely died and left her stranded in some back alley to get mugged. She bit her lip. Even that thought made her homesick. Had she been back in Mississippi, she would have just had Garret or any number of other guy friends that she had to look at it, and see if they could figure out what was wrong, and if that failed, she could take it down to her uncle at the auto repair shop and get it fixed for practically nothing. Here, she didn't know if anyone knew anything about cars, especially pickups, which seemed to be a foreign object here in the city. Jason might be able to look at it, but she wasn't sure. And at this point, she hated to even ask. She knew he had enough on his plate, what with getting engaged and being in school. Still, the thought of taking it in made her blanch; she knew that at this point it wasn't in the budget.

She sighed as she flipped on her blinker and glanced over her shoulder before pulling on the street. She wasn't even sure where she was going. It was something familiar, though, this getting in her pickup and just going. It was something she had done when she got stressed in Mississippi. Usually when she didn't have any broke horses around. Well, they always had broke horses around, but they weren't hers. And sometimes, though rarely, horses just couldn't take her far enough. That was how she felt, although today, even her pickup couldn't take her far enough. Not really.

She sighed as she found herself near the park. Shrugging to herself, she pulled in and slipped out, slamming her door and shoving her keys into her pocket and starting to wander. It was calming to be out and about, and quiet, this early in the morning, and she found herself moving toward the heart of the park, away from the edges that touched the loud and already bustling city. Yes, the inside was definitely better. The further in she got, the quieter it became, and quiet wasn't a bad thing, not for Macy Rose. She loved the quiet. It took her a moment, though, to realize that she wasn't alone. There was someone sitting on a bench a ways away. Her curiosity got her; not many people were up so early, and so she found herself wandering closer. It didn't take her long, though, to recognize the form sitting there as Jason, one of her first friends in Salt Lake.

She tipped her head to the side as she wandered closer, her hands slipped in her pockets. A concerned little cluck came from her before she sat down next to him. "Hey" she murmured quietly. She sat in silence for a moment. She didn't want to push him, but she couldn't help herself. "You okay?" she asked, even though it was quite obvious that he wasn't. Still, it was the only question she could really think of to ask. Her own worries were almost instantly forgotten; she was already caught up in Jason's problems, even though she hadn't the slightest idea what they might be.

and you're tied together with a smile ,
but you're coming undone
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

tagged jason andrew irving words 1190outfit click notes yay! status finished template nixxy of CAUTION 2.0

[jason andrew irving]

A thoughtful look crossed Jason’s tired face as he only half listened to the song playing in his headphones. He wished he had brought his guitar with him; he hadn’t really played it all that often lately. If he had spare time to play anything, he’d chose to let his fingers glide across the keys of the large, white, grand piano sitting in his living room. Pushing the thought from his mind, he told himself it was too late to drive back to his house to get it now; he didn’t want to risk waking Ana up if she was still asleep and if she wasn’t, well, he didn’t really want to explain why he had disappeared so early in the morning, especially since he wasn‘t usually much of an early riser. With his head in his hands and his striped hood over his dark curls, suddenly realizing why he had been listening to more depressing songs as the upbeat, bouncy song continued to play through his headphones. It was because when he was depressed, happy songs weren’t all that helpful to his mood. Neither were the sad songs, but songs like this one only made him feel bad. Touching the screen on his iPod, skipping past the next few songs, Jason sighed to himself and turned it off, pulling the ear buds from his ears and shoving the music player into his jeans pocket.

Hearing a familiar, let slightly sad voice hit his ears, Jason picked his head up from his hands and looked up to see Macy, a tiny smile pulling at the corners of his lips. “Hey, Macy,” he responded quietly. As she sat down and silence surrounded them, he bit his lip, wondering what she had been up to. The way she had said ‘hey’ didn’t sound like she was thrilled to be out and about. Or maybe she just wasn’t happy to see him. No, if that had been the case she would have just kept walking, Jason reminded himself, wondering where that thought even came from. His eyebrows rose when she asked if he was okay and he shrugged, forcing a bit more of a smile. “Yeah,” he sighed. Pausing for a brief moment, he shook his head and exhaled a long, stressed breath. “No, I… I don‘t know.” His dark eyes looked over at her and he shrugged, giving her a lopsided smile. “I just haven‘t been able to sleep well lately.” That was clear just by looking in his eyes. Simply by looking into the dark depths, one could tell he was exhausted, but if someone didn’t look that close, they could tell by how the whites of his eyes were bloodshot and there were dark circles beneath his eyes. He looked like he did after a night of drinking, only without the hangover.

Jason took a deep breath and closed his eyes, wishing he could fall asleep on the bench right there. If he could get through one night without waking up, he knew he’d feel a thousand times better, but that was just the problem. After he would finally drifted off into sleep, he’d wake up and then it would take him a while to sink into unconsciousness again. He shrugged, more to himself than to her. “I think it‘s school, it’s not easy,” he explained weakly with a slight laugh. He didn’t want to believe it was school work, that it was causing him to stress out this much, but he really couldn’t come up with any explanation other than that. If school was stressing him out to the point he couldn’t sleep, what was it going to be like when he and Annie weren’t the only two living in his house, when he had a baby to take care of? At this point, it wasn’t something he wanted to think about. Besides, it was at least four years away before that happened.

Giving Macy a concerned look he repeated her question. “Are you okay?” Emphasizing the “you” was his way of turning the conversation away from him. He was never the kind to dump all of his problems onto anyone else. That had been his problem a couple months back; he had let his guilt eat away at him to the point that he had nearly poisoned himself with alcohol. He bottled it up, kept it inside. Though he had never really had any major issues up until the last year of his life, he had always been like that. Even little things would eat at him and he’d shut it away. Like the time he found out his first girlfriend had simply been a material girl, interested in the money that his family had, not him. It had hurt, but it wasn’t just that. For a couple months after it was over he kept asking himself what he had done wrong. It wasn’t until he was hanging out with Hayley one day and she, like Macy, could tell something was wrong and when he told her, she had shook her head and told him it hadn’t been anything he did, she was self centered and hadn’t been interested in him for anything other than his looks and money from the start. He deserved better, she had told him, and when he had gone to school a few days later to see his ex clinging on another handsome guy, he realized that Hayley had been right. This, though, he couldn’t see how anyone could say anything to make the guilt leave him completely. There were times when he’d close his eyes and he could see the hurt on Ana’s face like it had happened yesterday.

He started to chew on his lip as he did when he was distracted, pulling his phone from his pocket for a moment to see if Annie had texted him yet. No, it was far too early for her to be up. Shaking his head sadly, he put it back into his pocket and sighed. “Am I doing the wrong thing?” he whispered, finally voicing what was on his mind anytime he started thinking about what he had done to Ana. “I mean, I love her. This is what I want more than anything.” Shaking his head, he sighed again, resting his head back in his hands. “But…I still don‘t get it. How can she still want to be with me after I hurt her like that?” His voice was muffled by his hands; he wasn’t even sure if she could understand him between that and how he was mumbling, more to himself than anything. “And I wasn‘t the first who-” he broke off, knowing that wasn’t something Ana wanted everyone to know. “I don‘t care how much you love someone, when you‘re hurt like that, it doesn‘t just disappear.”

TAGS ; Miss Macy Marlin
WORDS ; One Thousand, One Hundred and Thirty Six
OUTFIT ; Standing Out In The Rain

[/center]

[macy rose marlin]

you cry but you don't tell anyone,
that you might not be the golden one

Macy smiled a small smile that somehow had a slight reprimand in it, telling him without words that she didn't believe him when he said he was fine. He looked terrible; his eyes were bloodshot and he had dark circles underneath of them. If she didn't know better, she would probably be inclined to say that he had hit the bottle again, but she did know better. “I just haven‘t been able to sleep well lately.” She nodded a bit . Well that was obvious if you just happened to chance a glance in his direction. She waited when he said he thought it was school. She knew better. It wasn't just school. Jason had never been the type to get all stressed out over academics, even if he was in med school. It just wasn't his style. And, call it instinct if you will, but she just had a feeling it was something way more than that.

For the short period of time she had known Jason, which, although sometimes it seemed as if they had known each other for forever, really wasn't that long at all, maybe a year, she knew him pretty well. Macy had always been that way, though. Intuitive, sensitive. Almost too much so. It could be annoying when she just had a feeling that something was off and then she was worrying about you constantly. She felt a slight pang of guilt as he asked her if she was okay. She should have been around him more, been a better friend. She had just assumed, though, that with planning the wedding and having Ana around again and school on top of all that, he wouldn't really have the time to hang out with her. If his appearance was anything to judge by, maybe she ought to have been around a little more. Yes, the girl definitely had a bit of a save the world complex.

"I'm fine" she said with a smile, not feeling too guilty about the little white lie. Jason clearly had enough on his plate without her dumping more on it. Again, she waited, pretty sure that he was just stalling. She watched him settle his face in his hands and could feel her heart breaking for him; he looked the very picture of desperation. “Am I doing the wrong thing? I mean, I love her. This is what I want more than anything. But…I still don‘t get it. How can she still want to be with me after I hurt her like that? And I wasn‘t the first who- I don‘t care how much you love someone, when you‘re hurt like that, it doesn‘t just disappear.” She let the comment he had broken off on slide. She wouldn't push him. She nodded a bit to herself. So that's what this was all about.

She stood up, gently taking his arm and giving it a gentle tug. "Walk with me" she said sweetly, her voice sympathetic. "I explain things better when I'm moving." She offered a slightly hesitant little smile as she turned and started to amble along. She walked slowly, for once in no hurry. Her hands slipped into her pockets. She had started that a long time ago, in high school, as a defense to keep guys from holding her hand. Of course, that was hardly a problem with Jason who, for one, was more like a brother, and for another, was engaged; Macy knew she was no competition and she didn't want to be.

"As far as are you doing the right thing? I have no doubt in my mind that you are" She smiled a little, feeling herself slip into the role of counselor. She had played it all the time back home, but she didn't have a tight enough circle of friends here. Still, she felt a settling somewhere in the depths of her heart. This was what she did best; she helped people, or at least tried. She gave them the best she had and prayed that it was enough. She tipped her head back to look at him, and her gaze was completely sincere. "Frankly, I don't think anyone in the history of the world has loved anyone else as much as you love Ana. She's not going to find better than you." She paused slightly, glancing down as she kicked a rock, taking a moment to gather her thoughts. She didn't want this to come out wrong.

"Are you doing the right thing by marrying her now?" she asked, and again paused. "I'm not sure" she said, and again glanced at him, her face open and sincere. "See, the thing is J, you're not going to be able to have a healthy relationship with her until you let this go. You can't walk into a marriage with this kind of baggage, or it won't work. Or at least, it won't work happily, not for either one of you."

She smiled a little. "And as far as hurt disappearing...Actually it does. Or close enough. J, Ana forgave you. She's over it, she's moved on. The ring on her finger is proof of that. There's no way she would have married you if she was still harboring hurt and grief and bitterness about the whole matter. You're the only one making a big deal out of this." Macy had gotten herself in some rather interesting positions back home, because she was blunt. She called it like she saw it, especially when people asked for her opinion. As a result, people were always coming to her and asking for help talking to this person about whatever, and it didn't always make her the most popular person. Still, it needed to be said, and sometimes Macy was the one to say it.

"Jason, think about this, and listen very carefully because I am going to try to explain this to you" she smiled a bit. "Try being the key word. I've never been especially articulate." There was another slight pause as she gathered her thoughts. "You started to say you weren't the first one who...And I'm going to fill in the blank there. Don't worry, if Ana asks, I don't have a clue" she said with a slight smile. "At any rate, the fact is, that probably hurt, right? I mean, it's a pretty low blow. But you're here, aren't you? You have no problem forgiving her for what she's done. I think it's every bit as easy for her to forgive you. I mean, maybe that's not the best illustration. If I hurt you. Say I did something really, really low. I don't even know what, my mind doesn't really work that way. But something that hurt you, and hurt you bad. And say the next day I came to you and told you I was sorry, and that I was an idiot, and begged for your forgiveness. I assume you'd give it, because that's the kind of friend you are. And that's the thing J! That's what friends do. We forgive."

She drew a deep breath. "That's part of loving someone, forgiving them when they hurt us. And you know, everyone will hurt us at some point, especially the people we love. And truth is, we'll hurt them, too. That's an absolutely unavoidable part of love. Inexcusable, definitely, but unavoidable? Not really. And you know, that's the risk we take when we love someone. We accept the risk that, hey, we're going to give this person a certain power over us, and they'll probably hurt us. And we weigh the options, pain, or loving this person. And most people choose to love. The pain factor is nothing compared with that friend, or boyfriend, or eventually husband or wife. Jay, you've got to stop this whole hero complex thing." she took a big step and rounded about, stopping in front of him. Her blue gaze was intent as she held his. "Marriage is hard, Jason. Not that I would know from experience, but from watching other people. You two are going to fight, and you're probably going to hurt each other. It's part of living with someone else. But you love each other, and love will over ride that, I have ever confidence. But Jason, you have to learn to let things go. You have to learn to forgive yourself, because it's not fair to you, it's not fair to Ana, it's not really fair to the rest of your friends either. When someone tells you you're forgiven, you have to forgive yourself, too, and move on. It's part of life, and you can't really change that, my friend, no matter how badly you might want to."

She gazed at him for a long moment, searching his face, wondering if any of what she had just said had made even a microscopic amount of sense. "You know, maybe you should talk to Ana about it. I mean, I'm sure you guys have already worked through this and everything, but maybe you need to hear it from her, instead of just seeing it, you know? Just tell her that you need to apologize, and that you're sorry, and ask her to forgive you." She smiled slightly, and then, a bit surprisingly, slipped her arms around him in a tight hug.

Macy wasn't usually so free with such gestures, especially with guys. She had some firmly drawn lines that she didn't cross. She would have hated to get herself into any compromising situations, and especially with guys, it was better to just avoid temptation altogether. Truth was, though, Jason looked like he needed a hug. "It's gonna be okay" she promised, her voice slightly muffled. "And you know I'm always here for you, right? I mean, if you need someone at three o'clock in the morning, you've got my number. Use it" she said, a slight smile in her voice. Macy had always been one of those girls who would have walked a million miles for someone else, even someone who wasn't a friend of hers. It was the way she was. It was why she was such a good friend.

She held him for another long moment and then slowly pulled away. "I don't know if any of that made sense, but I hope you see my point" she said with another slightly hesitant smile.

and you're tied together with a smile ,
but you're coming undone
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

tagged jason andrew irving words 1717outfit click notes Haha. Novel much? status finished template nixxy of CAUTION 2.0

[jason andrew irving]

Raising a dark eyebrow, Jason shook his head disbelievingly when Macy said she was fine. “I don‘t believe you,” he said simply, giving her a little smile. Just like her, Jason sort of had a sixth sense with people, especially his good friends. They might have known each other for years, but they had grown close. She was like a little sister to Jason and because of that, he could be rather protective of her. It had started basically the day he had met her; she just seemed to need someone and he had instantly felt the need to look out for her. She was sweet and a little naïve; he didn’t want the wrong guy to approach her when she looked so helpless. The thought had sent a shiver up his spine and honestly, it still did. Men like that were sick, he couldn’t understand why anyone would want to treat a woman like that. Then again, for a little while, he had turned into one of the guys who cared about nothing other than himself.

As that thought slipped into his mind, he sighed, his dark eyes glazing over a little bit as he rested his head on his hands. This guilt was killing him as he finally spilled what had been on his mind for a while. He wasn’t sure if his lack of sleep had caused the thoughts or the thoughts were what was causing his insomnia or if it was a combination of the two. Whatever it was, it was bringing him down and he didn’t want to become depressed around Ana, too. It was fantastic to finally have her to sleep next to again; it wasn’t something he ever wanted to give up.

He could feel her stand up from beside him, but he didn’t look up until he felt her hand tugging on his arm. A blank look crossed his face for a moment, wondering why they couldn’t just sit there and talk, but he didn’t disagree, forcing himself to get to his feet as she said she explained things better when she was walking. He drug his feet as he walked, his eyes on the ground with his head tilted a little bit towards Macy. He looked rather defeated, mainly from exhaustion. Even if he wasn’t spending a lot of his spare time studying at his house, he doubted he’d be able to take a successful nap. If he set aside even an hour, it would take most of that for him to actually fall asleep.

His eyes looked up to her face when she said she had no doubt he was doing the right thing. That was good to hear, especially coming from her. She told things they way they were and he liked that. It was annoying when people would beat around the bush or try to sugar coat everything. It was much easier when things were just told as they were; it kept all of the guesswork out of the picture. A little chuckle slipped from his lips when she said nobody loved more than he loved Ana, but when she said Annie couldn’t find better, he shrugged and dropped his eyes back to the path in front of him. “She could find someone who didn‘t cheat on her and practically rip her heart out,” he mumbled with a little sigh, letting her go on. He nodded his head a bit, knowing neither he nor Ana were ready to get married within the next week. The engagement would last a while, he knew that. There were still some parts of their relationship that weren’t at one hundred percent, and though it was impossible to have everything perfect all the time, he knew they could get them closer than where they were now. Like this, for instance. He didn’t think the hurt would ever completely go away for either one of them, but if he could stop beating himself up over it, it would be an improvement. Macy was right about that.

A short, bitter laugh slipped from him when she said the hurt would go away, but he let her finish what she was saying before interrupting. Yes, he knew his fiancé had forgiven him, but he knew she had far from forgotten about it. That was the thing with the whole “forgive and forget” - it hardly ever worked that way. He bit his lip to keep from saying what had popped into his mind. Macy hadn’t been there, she hadn’t been put in the same position he had put himself in. She hadn’t brought her ex into her bed, he hadn’t kissed her and created a monster. The man she loved hadn’t walked in on her and seen her ex’s body pressed against hers, making her moan. He cringed as the memory hit him full force, seeing the hurt on Ana’s face and the realization on Dahlia’s. He had hurt two people he cared about, two people he loved, even if it was in different ways. Looking over at Macy’s hand, he sighed as he saw the purity ring on her ring finger, where Ana’s engagement band was on her hand. If he had taken that same route, he would have never caused the pain he had. It was a good idea, for more reasons than one.

He nodded his head when Macy told him to listen and do his best to understand what she was trying to say. At first he thought Macy might be a bit off with the statement he had broken off until he realized, well, she was right. It had hurt when he found out that Ana’s dad had done the same thing to her mom that he had done to her, hurt to the point he had nearly started drinking again. A bitter smile crossed his face when she said he was still here. “It‘s only because of Ana I‘m still here,” he admitted. Macy knew the story, that he had been drinking himself to death at the back to school beach party and running into Annie hadn’t exactly helped, at least until she showed that she cared enough to stay at his house with him overnight to make sure he survived. It wasn’t just that, but the next morning she had told him he needed to stop and, well, he’d do anything she’d ask, even though she had done more than ask him to please stop. Waking up every morning with a splitting headache had been terrible and not remembering what he had done the previous night was even worse, but he had kept doing it because when he got to the point he was completely wasted, he knew he was hurting and he knew why, but the hurt just wasn’t there. Or rather, it had been masked by the alcohol in his system. No, becoming an alcoholic hadn’t been something he was proud of.

Shaking his head, he exhaled slowly when Macy took a deep breath. Everything she said made perfect sense. She was right, he’d forgive her in a heartbeat. The only difference between her example and what had really happened was that it wasn’t a friend he needed to forgive, it was himself, and that had always been hard for him to do. Any time he fought with any of his girlfriends, he had always made himself out to be the bad guy afterwards, blaming the entire argument on himself whether or not he was the one who started it. It was just the way he was; he was able to forgive anyone for practically anything…except himself. He shook his head, a little smile tugging at the corner of his lips. She could make perfect sense if the world was falling apart at the seams, which at times, his seemed to be doing. But as she went on, he knew it wouldn’t be Ana he’d have trouble forgiving, it was always going to be himself. Yes, she was right. It wasn’t going to be an easy relationship with Ana, but it was going to be beyond worth it.

He nodded his head in agreement, his eyes locked into her stare. She was right, he couldn‘t go back in time and change what he did. “If I could, I would, though. Even if it killed me,” he said bluntly. If he had the chance, he would take away all of the pain he had caused Ana and even Dahlia, even if it would kill him. In his mind, it would be worth it. Oh, he could easily see Ana and his friends disagreeing, after all, things had ended up working out with Ana, even if they weren’t where they were before. They had learned a lot when their relationship changed, but Jason still wished he could take back what he did. He couldn’t see where it fit in in the whole “everything happens for a reason” philosophy. All that came out of it was hurt.

He studied her as she gazed at him, wondering where all of this simple wisdom came from in her. When she suggested he bring it up with Ana, he shrugged. “We‘ve talked about it,” he said shortly, his eyes dropping away from her. “I‘ve heard her say I‘ve been forgiven and I still have a hard time believing it.” Shaking his head, his tired eyes closed for a moment before opening to look back into her bright blue eyes. “Besides, it‘s not an easy topic to bring up. I‘d rather not remind her what an idiot I was.” Though they did their best to avoid the topic, sometimes it had to come up and Jason could still see the hurt flicker in Ana’s eyes and anytime he saw that, it just made him want to die. If it weren’t for him, she wouldn’t be feeling that pain.

It surprised him when she gave him a hug, but he sighed, definitely enjoying it. It was kind of odd for a twenty-two year old man to admit he needed a hug, but he did, and he hugged her back, holding her small body against him for a moment. It was nice to feel like someone actually cared about his twisted mind other than his fiancé, he couldn’t deny that and he chuckled at her slightly muffled voice. “I hope so,” he murmured when she promised everything would be okay. A stronger laugh escaped him when she said he could call her at three in the morning. “Thanks for the offer, but I‘ll wait until you‘re up to call you. Not getting a good night‘s sleep sucks, plain and simple,” he said, giving her a tight squeeze before her arms slid from around him. He returned her hesitant smile, his more confident than hers. “You‘re wise beyond your years,” he said in a teasing tone, though he was being completely honest. “But this isn‘t just going to disappear like other relationship issues. If Ana hadn‘t walked in when she did…” his voice wavered a bit; talking about his infidelity was sort of like talking about his wreck - he didn’t enjoy mentioning either one. Shaking his head, he bit his lip before continuing, his eyes sliding away with an ashamed look on his face. “I would have ended up having sex with one of my best friends because I was hurt. I was using her.” His voice cracked a bit as he went on, wishing he was sitting so could hide his face from Macy like he had when he came clean with his parents about everything. “I will never forget the look on Annie‘s face when she walked in on me. The hurt‘s burned into my mind or something. And when Day realized I had just been using her…” he stopped, closing his eyes. Macy was wrong. This hurt would never go away, not all the way. It had been getting better, but it still hurt terribly. “The hurt in her voice and the absolute malice in Annie‘s.” He finally opened his eyes to look at Macy, feeling a bit annoyed at the tears that were brimming in his eyes. He had done way too much crying lately. “I would give anything to know why I did that.”

TAGS ; Miss Macy Marlin
WORDS ; Two Thousand, Fourty Three
OUTFIT ; Standing Out In The Rain
NOTES ; Don't worry about matching that. That last paragraph ended up being wayyyy longer than I thought. You gave me too much to work with (:

[/center]

[macy rose marlin]

you cry but you don't tell anyone,
that you might not be the golden one

She laughed a bit when he said he didn't believe that she was fine. Dang. If she knew him, he knew her just as well. Unhandy, sometimes. At least he didn't push the subject. It really seemed minor compared to all her problems. Homesickness was no big deal. And honestly, after having him tell her what was honestly going through his head, she felt a little childish for feeling so homesick. She couldn't help it, though. I mean, your home is where your heart is right? And Macy's was most definitely and permanently planted in Mississippi.

“She could find someone who didn‘t cheat on her and practically rip her heart out,” Macy shook her head slightly. "Faithfulness doesn't mean much at all if your heart's not in it" she murmured, her voice slightly thoughtful as she rolled that idea around in her head. Granted if someone cheated, their heart probably wasn't in the relationship in the first place. Still, she knew that's not how it was with Jason. Maybe with any other guy in the universe, it would have been different, but Jason was pretty much in a class all his own. That was all there was to it.

“If I could, I would, though. Even if it killed me." She shook her head slightly. "Don't say that" she murmured softly. "It doesn't do you any good to wallow, Jason, to wish that you could go back and change things. Life doesn't work that way. And wishing it did will only make you completely miserable." She nodded. She knew people who just wished that they could change the world, and they were some of the unhappiest people she had ever met. She didn't want that for Jason.

She nodded slightly when he said he'd rather not bring it up. Understandable, as far as Macy was concerned. "Well, Jason, you better learn to believe it, because it's not really fair to doubt her like that. If she says you're forgiven, you are, and now it's in your court to get over it." She knew that that probably sounded a bit bitchy. But it was also the truth. And Macy had never been one to beat around the bush. At least, not with her good friends. If they asked, hey, they better be ready for the asnwer.

She shook her head when all he said was "I hope so." "It will be" she promised again, stepping back. Macy had every faith in that. Then again, she was also a hopeless optimist. Still. It was nice to have her around; she was like a perpetual little sun. Always happy and shining. Well, most of the time, anyway. Of course, everyone had those days where they just felt down, even Macy Marlin. Still, they were rarer for Macy than most.

She laughed slightly when he said not getting a good night's sleep sucked. He would know, wouldn't he? she thought to herself, automatically sad for her friend. She hated seeing people struggle, even if she had nothing to do with them. It broke her heart. She fell in love with people way too easily. Not the kind of love that made you want to live with someone for the rest of your life; the kind of love that made you like someone, that made you want to be their friend, that made you want to see them succeed and help them in every way you could. Macy was pretty much a friend to everyone, and people loved her for it, watched out for her, did whatever they could for her, in return. Not because they felt obligated; everyone knew how much Macy hated that word, but because they wanted to. Of course she had her faults, like caring too much, being gullible, being too trusting. But then, everyone has their faults.

She listened in silence as he spoke. His hurt was automatically her hurt. She sighed and rested her hands on either side of his face, her thumbs running underneath his eyes, catching the tears. "You know, Jason, in the end it doesn't really matter why you did it. People can have the best of intentions, but it doesn't make what they do right. Like the guy who bombed that abortion center. His intentions were good; taking a stand against abortion. That doesn't make it right that he killed people. Don't torture yourself over the why. You've got to let it go. Thinking about it, wondering, wishing, it doesn't change anything. You'll only make yourself miserable, and in turn, the people around you. No one likes to be around someone who hates themselves." Again, she was being almost painfully blunt, but her eyes were only sincere and sweet, and filled with concern for perhaps her best friend in Salt Lake.

and you're tied together with a smile ,
but you're coming undone
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

tagged jason andrew irving words 791outfit click notes annd we're back to craptastic.status finished template nixxy of CAUTION 2.0

[jason andrew irving]

He shook his head stubbornly when she told him not to think like that. “But I would.” When she was finished, he sighed, shaking his head again. “If you had the chance to change the past so you could stay at home in Mississippi, or even be some place closer than here you would do it, wouldn‘t you?” He bit his lip, wondering if he should tell her what had crossed his mind before. “If I could just go back and make it so I died in the wreck-” his voice cracked as he thought of that, a little shiver running up his spine as he remembered just how close that had come to happening. “-everything would have worked out fine.” This wasn’t the first time that thought had crossed his mind, just the first time he really elaborated on it when he was sober and the first time he ever voiced it to someone else. “Ana and I weren‘t half as serious as we are now, she could have moved on without much trouble. Dahlia wouldn‘t have been so…emotionally attached to me and she would have moved on. My parents…” he hesitated, giving a little sigh. “Dylan would get them through it. And Dylan was only seven, his brother‘s death wouldn‘t have been that much of an impact on his life. My friends back home would survive; they have each other.” Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath, knowing she would have something to say about the direction his thoughts were going. “Nobody would have gotten hurt, then,” he breathed quietly. He knew all too well that if his car had gone undiscovered for just another five minutes, that would have been the outcome. If the woman who had called hadn’t showed up for another five minutes, he would have lost more blood and he would have gone into shock either before the paramedics arrived or shortly after, probably before they could get him out of his car. He had been lucky that he had been in the hospital when that actually happened so they could treat it immediately. Otherwise, he knew how easily it would have been for his heart to fail. Oh, the joys of being in medical school, he knew just how easy it would have been for him to die.

He bit his lip again, mad at himself for telling Macy the thoughts that had first crossed his mind one night when he was drunk. It wasn’t like he was planning on jumping off a cliff or anything. Shaking his head again, he smiled at her, a little warily. “Don‘t worry, I‘m not suicidal. I was trashed when that thought first crossed my mind and it‘s just been...well, tumbling around my mind for a while, I guess. For one reason or another, I‘m still here.” His smile grew a little bit more as he sighed, this one a bit more content than previous ones. “Besides, if I hadn’t been hit, Ana would have never moved in with me and there’s no guarantee we’d be…well, I guess where we are now.” Giving a little shrug, he nodded his head and smiled a bit. “Though we would have been engaged even if I didn’t…didn’t cheat on her.” He was definitely fond of the memory that came to mind when he thought of how Ana had proposed to him in a way. The first of many days where any plans they had were pushed aside so they could spend the day tangled up in their bed. A warm smile crossed his face and he chuckled to himself before remembering they were on a much more serious topic. There was a little spark of life in his exhausted eyes as he looked over at Macy, the smile still in place. “I mean, I’m glad I’m still here. I wouldn’t want to see my parents’ faces when they found out…” he shook his head sadly. Just the thought of what his parents would go through if he had died made him feel guilty for even thinking something like that. “It’s what alcohol does to you. It makes you do - and think - things you wouldn’t without it.” Giving her a stern look, his dark eyes looked into hers, completely sincere. “If I ever find out that you’re drinking for any reason, we’re going to have a problem.” He doubted Macy would ever consider something like that, she was far too strong to sink to something like alcohol to make her feel better, but he just wanted to make his point clear: none of his friends would drink while he was around. Just because he had didn’t mean it was okay.

With a nod of his head, Jason once again questioned how someone so young knew so much. It seemed like she had the answers to everything. “I know it’s up to me now, but I just-” he broke off, not wanting to sound like he was just being hard headed. She was right, he needed to do something about it, but he knew there would always be a little bit of guilt nibbling at him somewhere. “You didn’t see their faces,” he murmured. “You’re right about a lot of it, I do need to move on, but I honestly don’t think it’s ever going to completely go away. It was a big mistake I made.”

Asurprised look crossed his face as her fingers brushed beneath his eyes, catching his tears before they could really fall. It really was nice to know he had a friend like Macy who would be there for him as long as she didn’t have anything going on. In reality, it really wouldn’t surprise him if she’d drop whatever she was doing to help him, but he wouldn’t go that far to ask. He was a lot like her in more ways than one; he didn’t like making his problems other people’s burdens and if anyone needed him, he would be there in a heartbeat. As long as he had Macy, he doubted he’d ever need to pay a therapist to have him ramble on about his problems even though he hated pouring them onto her. Sometimes it was nice to have a friend like her. No, it was always nice having a friend like her. He shook his head yet again as she spoke, an amused look on his face. “Really Macy, where have you learned all of this?” All joking aside, he gave a little sigh before continuing. “I guess people must not like being around me, then, but it’s hard not to hate myself after what I did. Not just anything would drive me to alcohol,” he mumbled, still ashamed that he had gone as far as he did. Glancing over at the tall blond beside him, he forced a little smile. “But that’s enough about my troubles. It’s your turn now.”

TAGS ; Miss Macy Marlin
WORDS ; One Thousand, One Hundred and Fifty Two
OUTFIT ; Standing Out In The Rain

[/center]

[macy rose marlin]

you cry but you don't tell anyone,
that you might not be the golden one

Macy stepped back and smiled at him. Her attitude was always so positive. Of course, everyone has those days, but Macy was a generally happy person. It was almost ridiculous. Still, it made her nice to be around. The smile faded and her expression turned thoughtful. She took an unconscious step back. It was just against her nature to stay so close to any guy. "If I could do it over...I don't think I'd change everything" she told him honestly. "I mean, come on. Then I never would have met you" she said, giving his arm a playful shove. "But I guess I don't think about it much, because I know it wouldn't make a difference anyway." she added with a small smile.

She closed her eyes for a long moment about how he talked about how no one would have gotten hurt if he had just died in the car crash. Her little hands clenched into fists as a blaze of fury shot through her. A very strong temptation to slap him came over her, nearly knocking her to the ground. Macy had never been a violent person. Well, except with her brother. They had wrestled all the time. Still, she had never been so angry in her life. She realized with a slight start that she was so furious that she was trembling all over. Blue eyes flashed open, absolutely blazing. She stood on tip toe to stare right into his eyes, her face inches from his. "Would you LISTEN to yourself?!" she half yelled. "I've never heard something so stupid in my life!" she cried, her voice probably louder than Jason had ever heard it. Well, louder than anyone had ever heard it, really, other than maybe her family. She was still trembling all over. She rocked back on her heels linking her trembling hands behind her back and drawing in a deep breath. She had never struggled with a temper problem, ever. And the urge to smack him was still surprisingly strong. She turned herself away, pacing a few steps in the other direction, getting a rein on her emotions.

She listened to him go on about how she shouldn't worry because he wasn't suicidal, really! And how the thought had first crossed his mind when he was drunk. She fought down a snort as she planted her hands on her hips. And she fought down the urge to spit "You'd better be grateful." She would sound like a complete snag, and Macy wasn't one in the slightest. She shook her head. "Good" she said simply. "I swear, Jason, if you ever talk like that again..." she trailed off, shaking her head and laughing a little. "And no worries about the drinking thing. you're not the only one who'd have my butt." she nodded slightly. It was true. Even her friends back home who partied and drank constantly had sworn to kick her butt if she ever got drunk. And as far as Macy was concerned, there was absolutely no danger of that ever happening. Ever.

She nodded a bit when he said it was a big mistake. "Exactly, Jason" she said softly, temper forgotten entirely now. There was definitely something a bit off about her. She wasn't ever such a mercurial person. She was usually very steady, happy all the time, and never angry. "It was a mistake" she murmured. "If you had done it intentionally, I can see it being harder to forgive yourself. But you never meant to hurt anyone Jason. You made bad choices, yes, but it doesn't make you a horrible person." She laughed a little humorlessly.

She laughed outright when he asked where she learned all of it. "It's a lot easier to give advice to someone else than to apply it to your own life" she said easily, humble as usual. For the most part, it wasn't like Macy was just a humble person, although she was. She honestly just didn't know how great a person she was. She had a pretty unrealistic view of herself, in all truthfulness. "Not just anything would drive me to alcohol." She nodded a bit. "I know" she murmured. And she did. Jason wasn't the type who just did something as crazy as start drinking. She laughed a bit when he said it was her turn. "My turn for what?" she asked innocently, feeling completely stupid about her feeble homesickness in comparison to all his troubles. She hadn't wanted to talk about it before; now she really didn't want to say anything.

and you're tied together with a smile ,
but you're coming undone
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

tagged jason andrew irving words 755outfit click notes ugh. here's my 700 block again. status finished template nixxy of CAUTION 2.0

[jason andrew irving]

Macy’s sudden outburst took Jason by surprise, his dark eyebrows raising a bit at her voice, much louder than he had ever heard it. “How is it stupid?” he asked quietly, shaking his head slightly. “If I could keep people I love from being hurt…well, I don‘t see how it’s stupid. Put yourself in my shoes for a moment.” Sighing, he shrugged, his dark eyes looking into hers. “Besides, do you know how close I came to not making it?” His voice was quieter than it was before, knowing it was a stupid question. He had told her that he had been in a pretty bad wreck, but he hadn‘t told her just had bad it had been. “I had two different doctors and my surgeon tell me I shouldn‘t be here now.” Biting his lip, his eyes dropped to the ground. This wasn’t something he liked to talk about. “If the woman who had heard the wreck hadn‘t called…well, I lost so much blood, the paramedics didn‘t know why I didn‘t go into shock before I did. Another five minutes and I would have died.” His voice cracked a bit at the end; he had thought time and time again about what a terrible way that would be to die, unconscious and bleeding to death in a wrecked car. He shook his head again, his eyes looking back into her blazing blue ones. “But like you said, I can‘t change the past so maybe that‘s why it‘s so easy for me to say that.”

He nodded his head when she said he better be grateful, a little surprised at her tone, knowing it had been stupid to tell her that there had been times he wished he had died. “I am, I just wish things had turned out okay on different terms.” His dark brows raised again when she threatened him and he couldn’t help but laugh a little bit. “‘If I ever talk like that again’ what?” He nodded, grinning a bit when she said he wouldn’t be the only one who’d have her butt. “Good. I‘m sure I have some sort of liver damage after what I did…” he trailed off and sighed, remembering how awful it had been to wake up with a hangover, not remembering half of the night before. If it weren’t for his fiancé, he would have survived through the car wreck, but he would have put himself six feet under from alcohol poisoning. The night she had ran into him, he had drank enough to kill himself, but somehow he had made it through the night, falling asleep, or rather passing out, with his head on Ana’s lap.

His shoulders lifted and dropped quickly in a little shrug when she told him it had been a mistake, nothing more. “I don‘t know, I think because it was a mistake that kind of makes it worse. It wasn‘t intentional, so what was crossing my mind when it happened? Why did I decide to sleep with my best friend?” Looking at Macy, hurt in his eyes, a humorless smile crossed his face. “Remember when you came over to watch movies? I was so afraid I was going to do something stupid with you.” Sighing, he looked down, shaking his head again. “You were the first person, the first woman, I had actually hung out with since I cheated on Ana and I didn‘t want to hurt you like I hurt Annie and Day.” He gave her a confused look at her humorless laugh, not quite sure why it followed her saying he wasn’t a horrible person. Opening his mouth to question her, he shrugged and looked down again, not sure if he wanted to know the answer.

Nodding his head, a little smile crossed his face when she said it was easier to give advice to others. It was definitely true, maybe that was why he felt like she couldn’t quite relate. Her innocent tone made him laugh a bit, though it wasn’t nearly as warm as his usual laugh. “What‘s wrong? You‘re not the only one who can read people.” He had some sort of people sense, like what had driven him to go up to her when they had first met. Something was wrong, he could just tell, and like her, he just wanted to help.

TAGS ; Miss Macy Marlin
WORDS ; Seven Hundred, Twenty Four
OUTFIT ; Standing Out In The Rain

[/center]

[macy rose marlin]

you cry but you don't tell anyone,
that you might not be the golden one

She shook her head a bit when he said no one would have gotten hurt if he had died. "Do you really think so little of your friends to say that they wouldn't have mourned? Do you really think nobody would have gotten hurt." She shook her head slightly. Her tone was quiet, the kind of voice she used when she didn't want someone to answer her, just to think about what she was saying. "I've heard you talk about your little brother, and it sounds like he thinks the world of you. Do you really think it wouldn't effect him?" She asked. She wasn't looking at him. Her thoughtful blue eyes were pinned on the path in front of them, letting the thoughts roll around her head. "Don't answer me. Just think about it" she added quietly.

She shook her head when he asked if she knew how close he had come to dying. She didn't know any of the medical garb. Ask her anything about a horse, and she could probably tell you right off the bat; people, on the other hand. She hardly knew what to take for a cold. She was a little clueless and bird-brained sometimes, it was true. She sighed slightly and nodded. "Maybe" she agreed quietly. She didn't really have much else to say on the matter. What else could she say? She had told him what she thought, and it was his choice what he did with it, if anything.

She shook her head and smiled a bit when he asked what she'd do if he talked like that again. "Top secret. But trust me, very painful" she said teasingly. Her next reaction to the whole situation was to try to lighten the mood. It was how she did t hings. She had a certain order to giving advice for people, even though she really didn't know it. She followed a similar pattern nearly every time someone opened up to her. Talk them through it, be there, then try and get them to laugh. She wasn't very good at the whole laughing thing, though. She had never been much of a comedian. That was her brother, really. He could make anyone laugh, which was part of why she had always loved being around him.

She nodded slightly when he said the fact that it was a mistake almost made it worse. She didn't have anything to say to that. She knew from experience that it wouldn't matter what she told him; he'd just argue the point, and probably argue it vehemently. That was how people were. They clung to their convictions and opinions, and she knew there wasn't any point in trying to change Jason's mind about the whole matter. It was just something he would have to figure out on his own, as hard as that was for Macy to admit. She shook her head when he said he had been scared he would hurt her. "You may not have trusted yourself, but I trusted you" she responded with a slight shrug. "Back....Back home" she said, regretting saying the words almost instantly. She shook her head at herself, knowing she was being ridiculous, and plunged on. "It's not really acceptable for a girl and a guy to be alone like that, and most of the time, I don't do it. It just borrows trouble, for your reputation, if nothing else. I don't like getting myself into situations like that, and the fact is, there aren't many guys I would consent to being alone with. You're one of them" she smiled a little and shrugged. "I know I'm gullible and probably too trusting, but honestly, I'm not stupid." She smiled a little.

It was true, though. From the very beginning, Jason had seemed like the kind of person you could trust. The idea to doubt his intentions when he took her around campus had never even crossed his mind, and it wasn't just that she was gullible and trusting. She'd been around the shady types who wouldn't have been above "showing her around" to get inside her pants, and she knew how to pick them out; she trusted her gut, if nothing else. She was trusting and she wore her heart on her sleeve, but she wasn't entirely stupid. Still, Jason had never been that way, and she had trusted him from the very beginning. Maybe just because he reminded her of the guys back home, but the fact remained; he wasn't the type to do the kind of thing he was talking about. She hadn't the slightest idea what had happened with Dahlia, but she knew it wouldn't have happened with her. Sure, sometimes she could have too much faith in people, but she was confident that this time, it was only Jason not having enough faith in himself.

She pursed her lips when he asked her again what was wrong. Her hands found their way to her pockets and she heaved a slight sigh, looking up but refusing to look at Jason. She weighed her options quickly. She knew it would be useless to tell him that nothing was wrong; he already knew the truth, so there was no point in lying. She could always pull the "I don't want to talk about it" card, but that probably wouldn't work either. She finally decided the truth was the best route. She shrugged. "Just a little homesick is all" she said simply, without looking him in the eye or offering any details.

and you're tied together with a smile ,
but you're coming undone
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

tagged jason andrew irving words 916 outfit click notes Ugh. Just shoot me. I am sorrrrrrry. status finished template nixxy of CAUTION 2.0

[jason andrew irving]

Her words hurt, that was made clear as his eyes dropped to the tops of his shoes, his eyes echoing the hurt. His hands slid into his pockets, his shoulder sagging forward, opening his mouth to argue his point as she brought up his little brother. “That‘s not it,” he began to protest, sighing, biting his lip when she told him to keep quiet. It wasn’t his friends or his family he thought little of, it was himself. How could he think good of himself after what he did? She was right. His friends and family would have hurt if they had to attend his funeral, but that would have been different, at It least he thought so. Sure, they would have had to go through the rest of their lives without ever seeing him again, visiting a tombstone from time to time, but he wouldn’t have been around to see their hurt. Didn’t that make it worse? That he would rather die than see his friends hurt? He simply couldn’t face what he had done and would rather not be around to see the pain he had caused even though he had been forgiven, something he still couldn’t get at times. A little sigh slipped from his lips, tempted to just thank her for listening and leave. He was hurting and hearing her say he didn’t care about his friends didn’t really help.

He was a bit surprised when he brought up what the hospital staff had said; it wasn’t something he really liked to think of. His dark eyes remained on the ground as he voiced the thoughts that had been on his mind, his voice soft. “I can‘t imagine that being a fun way to die,” the way he talked, it was more to himself than Macy, but still he spoke. “All alone, your body just shutting down because it wasn‘t getting the blood it needed.” A little shiver ran up his spine; he was definitely glad he had been knocked out. Waking up in the back of the ambulance had been far painful enough, he wouldn’t have wanted to be conscious in his car, feeling that pain and the panic that yes, he was dying and there was nothing that could be done to save him without anyone around. Shaking his head, his dark eyes narrowed, his tone turning bitter. “And then I try to kill myself by drinking. It didn‘t start out that way but after a while it was like ‘Oh, maybe one more. Maybe that will be enough and I won‘t wake up tomorrow.’” The bitterness left his voice as he sighed, kicking a rock out of their path. “Why am I so stupid?” Perhaps the right question was why was he so stupid, but he knew the answer. Everything he did that he considered stupid had happened when he was hurting. And it had made him question his beliefs and guard his heart to the point he almost didn’t agree to get back together with Ana when she brought it up. “If I ever hurt her like that again…” he shrugged, not quite sure what he’d do. Biting his lip, he shook his dark head, his voice hardly over a whisper. “You know what they say. ‘Once a cheater, always a cheater.’”

A little smile crossed his lips at her humor. “Well…it couldn‘t be much worse than what I‘ve been through,” he shot back, his humor darker than usual. “Bring it on.” He knew what she was doing, he did it too. Anytime a situation became too uncomfortable or too tense for his liking, he’d crack a joke and try to lighten the mood. It was just the way he was. Unfortunately, the humor only lasted for a moment. Their topic once again turned back to his stupidity. He didn’t say anything when she said she had trusted him, though he caught her stuttering at the mention of home. It was odd to hear the different customs from where she came from; the only thing that was really frowned upon in that sense where he came from was when teenaged girls would end up pregnant. It was sort of sad, really. Regardless of the back story, it seemed like the rich snobs he grew up around would see one of their few classmates who ended up carrying a child and look down on them. He had even seen one girl’s best friend turn on her. It was sickening, but he could see why it wasn’t acceptable for a guy and a girl to just hang out. “Watching a movie” could turn into something else and then, if they weren’t careful, the girl could end up suffering.

His eyebrows rose a bit at her sigh then her silence, noticing how her eyes seemed to avoid his. It was almost exactly the way he was when someone was trying to get something out of him he didn’t want to talk about. He’d try to avoid the subject, but if the person knew him well enough, they’d know what buttons to push to get it out of him. As she finally did sum up what was wrong, he nodded his head, instantly understanding. Summer break had ended just over a month ago and Macy would have spent the summer back home. Even after spending a week with his family, Jason knew what she meant by being homesick. He took a step toward her and gave her a hug, just as she had with him. A good friend of his once told him he gave the best hugs, simply because when he did, it was because he cared. Pulling away, he sighed. “Is there any way I can help?” She always seemed to do so much for him but it just didn’t seem fair that he couldn’t do anything for her. The only thing he could really think of was paying for her to fly back home for a long weekend or break but he couldn’t see her accepting that. From what he knew, she was the kind of girl who didn’t really accept that sort of thing, even if he really wanted her to.

TAGS ; Miss Macy Marlin
WORDS ; One Thousand, Twenty Nine
OUTFIT ; Standing Out In The Rain

[/center]

[macy rose marlin]

you cry but you don't tell anyone,
that you might not be the golden one

Macy caught the hurt look in his eyes and bit her lip, wishing she'd just quit while she was ahead. "Jase, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have...that didn't come out the way I wanted it to," she murmured. If there was one thing a person could give Macy kudos for, it was apologizing. It didn't matter whether she was right or wrong, but if she said something hurtful, she always apologized. It had taken her a long time to train herself into it. Apologies, for some reason, were hard, but she had learned long ago that they needed to be made, and so she made them on a regular basis. Sometimes she felt like she was always apologizing, and sometimes it got hard, but it was as ingrained into her now as her shyness or her sweet nature; it wasn't really something she could change.

She looped her arm through his, the gesture natural and innocent; there was no hidden intention with Macy, no trying to decipher what an action meant. It was the kind of move a sister might make, and the little sister was the role she had always played, and it was easy to step into it. It seemed like she always ended up the sister; it didn't matter where she went, people just adopted her as practically family.

“I can‘t imagine that being a fun way to die. All alone, your body just shutting down because it wasn‘t getting the blood it needed.” She got the feeling he was talking to himself more than to her, and she gave his arm a slight squeeze. Her gaze tipped down, and she could feel regret and guilt start to bubble up, as they almost always did. Macy had perhaps the worst conscience of any person alive. It didn't matter whether she was wrong or not, she generally ended up feeling guilty about it. Now she wondered if maybe she should have just left Jason alone. She knew sometimes that was what a person really needed. Not advice or counseling, or even someone to listen, but just to be alone. Wasn't that why her truck or her horses were always handy? A few steps and she could be miles away in a matter of minutes. It had always been her opportunity to get away, her down time to think about everything.

It was something she had lost in the move to Salt Lake, and perhaps, she realized with a slight start, part of why she was so homesick. Here, it didn't matter where you went, there were still people. Sure, you could go home, but you got sick of it eventually, and it wasn't the same release. Her, in the city, it didn't matter where you went, you were always surrounded by people. It was impossible to just be alone. There were always people around, and it was always loud. Even during the night, the city hardly slept. You could hear sirens wail at midnight and who knew what else? Macy didn't know how people could stand it. Nighttime used to be her favorite, a peaceful time where all the world was sleeping except her, and usually her mount. Here, she couldn't even find that peace and serenity.

She pulled herself from her thoughts as Jason continued on about trying to kill himself with drinking. Her blond head tipped over to rest against his shoulder, not saying anything, just listening. This was something totally out of her league. She didn't know anything about that world, the world of alcohol and drugs and parties. It was as foreign as a different planet to her. Relationships, people, that she understood, even the struggles one had with oneself. This, though, was something she had never touched, nor did she particularly want to. She didn't feel there was anything she could say; she hadn't a clue about that sort of thing, not to mention she was a little self conscience after realizing how her comments had hurt him. He had just been asking why she was so good at this, and then she went and screwed it up. As usual, she couldn't help thinking a little bitterly to herself. The girl could certainly be hard on herself; she was already wishing she had just stayed quiet to begin with. She couldn't imagine how anything she would have to say would be a help. She was nineteen, not long into adulthood, and she couldn't even say she'd ever had a boyfriend. What was her advice worth? It wasn't like she could speak from experience.

She smiled a little wanly when he said it couldn't be worse than what he'd already been through. She didn't even have a comment for that one. It was a darker sense of humor than she was used to, and, even if she hadn't been berating herself, she probably wouldn't have been able to come up with a suitable reply. She wasn't very good at that whole thing. She was sweet and she was sincere, but the girl wasn't exactly a comedian. She wasn't really good at the whole joking, making people laugh thing. That was more Garret's area. She bit her lip at the thought of her brother, wishing for all the world that her thoughts could just leave well enough alone.

She let him pull her to him, her arms slipping around his waist and her head dropping against his chest like it was the most natural thing in the world. A huge sigh slipped from her lips, her whole body seeming to relax slightly. It was like she found some kind of release in the simple gesture. She found herself leaning against him slightly, taking more comfort from the touch than she had ever thought she would. Another small, hardly audible sigh slipped from her again as his grip loosened. She shook her head when he asked if there was anything he could do. Her blue eyed gaze turned distance as she focused on something far away, trying hard not to let the tears spill that had been threatening since she first woke up this morning. "I don't think so" she murmured. "I think it's just one of those things that I have to work through on my own, you know?" she said, finally turning inquisitive blue eyes on his face. She shrugged a little callously and took a half step back. "I'll get over it eventually" she said mildly. That seemed to be the story of her life sometimes, or at least for the last 2 years in Salt Lake. "No, I'm not fine, but I will be." She was always waiting for that will be, that someday. That day, she thought morosely, unable to help feeling a little sorry for herself, when she could go home.

and you're tied together with a smile ,
but you're coming undone
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tagged jason andrew irving words 1124 outfit click notes Apparently I have found my Macy muse. xD template nixxy of CAUTION 2.0

[jason andrew irving]

“Macy, don’t worry about it. It‘s no big deal,” he said with a little shrug, looking at her and flashing a tiny smile, not quite meeting her eyes. It wasn’t really her words that hurt, it was the assumption that she thought he didn’t really care about his friends. If he didn’t care about them, then why was he still here? Ana had told him she cared too much to watch himself drink himself to death, if he didn’t care about her feelings or what she said, he wouldn’t have stopped. He cared more about his friends than he did for himself. And bringing Dylan into had sort of been the sharpest part of the blade. She short of had it backwards; he thought the world about Dylan. The boy was eight, he didn’t quite understand death yet. All he would have known was that he was never going to see his older brother again, that he had died. There wasn’t much more too it than that in a kid’s mind. “It‘s just that I‘d jump in front of a bullet for any of my friends in a heartbeat,” he explained, shrugging. “And for Dylan…well, imagine the worst possible physical torture you can think of and multiply it by a thousand. I‘d go through that and more for him.”

His dark eyes sort of glazed over a bit and he bit his lower lip, imagining how everyone else would have felt at his funeral. It would have nearly killed his parents; it wasn’t like he moved away because he couldn’t stand being around them. And like she had said, his friends would have mourned. He had just been telling himself it wouldn’t be a huge deal so he felt better about the idea. He was only brought out of his depressing thoughts when he felt Macy’s arm loop around his. If it had been any other girl, he would have been a bit uneasy about letting her do that, simply because he was engaged and he didn’t want to lead her on, but because it was Macy, it didn’t really bother him at all. She was like the little sister he never had, there was no reason to feel uneasy about it. If Ana saw it, she might not be too thrilled, but she knew Macy was more like family than any threat to her relationship. They had met before, too, and it had gone over really well.

He bit his lip after he spoke his thoughts, knowing it wasn’t what she wanted to hear as he felt her squeeze his arm. Heck, he didn’t even want to hear it when the doctors had told him. Nobody wanted to know that and her sudden silence made him feel a bit awkward. “I‘m sorry, you didn‘t need to hear all of that.” He shrugged and gave a quiet, almost awkward laugh. “I didn‘t even want to hear it.” He shrugged yet again and sighed. “When you have to go look at your car to sell it for scrap metal, well, that‘s when it really hits you.” It had really been a shock to see the warped metal and the lack of a driver’s door. He remembered looking at Annie and asking her is that really my car? That he had been able to see from quite a distance, but when he got up close, the sight of the dark red stains along the seat and the floor really seemed to make everything he had heard all too real. Maybe that was why he had suffered terrible nightmares, maybe it was his subconscious trying to make sense of how he made it out of that destroyed vehicle.

As the young man went on about his alcoholic months, he felt the blonde’s head come to rest on his shoulder, he relaxed a little bit, knowing it might look like he was once again cheating on Ana if he ran into anyone who knew the two of them, but he really didn’t care. He wasn’t doing anything wrong this time. “People say it‘s not really an addiction, but it is,” he murmured, still on the subject of drinking. “I don‘t know about drinking to party, but when you‘re drinking to forget, it becomes an awful addiction. The more you drink, the more y our body gets use to it and you have to keep drinking more and more for the pain to be erased.” He shook his head, furious with himself. A little glass of wine with dinner wasn’t a terrible thing but what he had done was. He couldn’t even explain why exactly it had been alcohol he turned to, just that it had been there and once he started, he didn’t want to stop. Like he had said, once it got to the point he was drinking more than a few of the disgusting bottles of beer, it had turned into ‘maybe this drink will be my last, maybe this will be the one that really stops the pain for good’ but it never was. There was always another glass to be poured, another shot to take.

The man’s dark eyes looked over at his friend, realizing that he had told her things he hadn’t even bothered to tell Annie. Just mainly the details that would only bring back painful memories and that really didn’t need to be shared with anyone, but none the less, he had spilled everything to the younger woman beside him. There was a good part of it she probably didn’t want to hear either. She had just asked him if he was okay, she didn’t ask to hear the details of his stupidity. “Macy, I‘m sorry, I didn‘t mean to dump all of that on you,” he apologized, looking rather embarrassed. “You didn‘t need to know all of that.”

Her silence still unnerved him, so it was nice to turn the subject away from himself, even if her response was short. He could feel her almost relaxing in his arms, so he squeezed her a little tighter, holding onto her a little longer than he had originally planned to. She had helped him, he wanted to do what he could for her in return. His eyebrows furrowed a bit when she said it was something she had to do on her own, not quite sure what to say. Wasn’t it always better to have someone else there, even if they couldn’t do much other than just be a support beam? He let out a little sigh when she said she’d eventually get over it. “This isn‘t going to be the best thing for you to hear, but homesickness never really goes away,” he murmured quietly, resting his arm around her shoulder and giving her a little squeeze. “No matter how often you go home, it‘s always there. And it‘s usually worse when you come back.” He was speaking simply from experience. Coming back from New York had been terrible; he hadn’t realized just how much he missed everyone until he saw them all again. He gave her the most encouraging smile he could, rubbing her arm a bit. “But you only have two more years in this awful city. If you ever need to get home for a weekend, just let me know,” he offered, knowing her well enough to doubt she’d take his offer.

TAGS ; Miss Macy Marlin
WORDS ; One Thousand, Two Hundred, Twenty Eight
OUTFIT ; Standing Out In The Rain

[/center]

[macy rose marlin]

you cry but you don't tell anyone,
that you might not be the golden one

She caught the little smile he flashed her, but she also noticed that he wouldn't meet her eyes. She found herself biting her lip again, an old nervous habit. She knew her words had cut deeper than she had meant them to. She knew it wasn't that he didn't care about his friends, or that he thought little of them. She knew him better than that. For some reason, though, she felt he was kidding himself, letting himself think that his friends really would have been okay with it, so that he could feel better about it, although why that would make him feel better exactly, she wasn't entirely sure. It was probably a pretty harsh judgment, Macy realized and heaved a small sigh, continuing to bite at her lib. Geeze, she really was just in bitch mode today, wasn't she? She couldn't help thinking once again that Jason probably would have been better off if she had just kept silent in the first place.

"I know you would, Jase" she murmured, not really looking him in the eye. "It's just that...no, you know what? Never mind. I'm just going to stop digging myself into a hole" she said with a laugh that sounded a little too forced. Macy really was her own toughest critic. When others were willing to let something slide, Macy wasn't. She was always striving to better herself, which, in itself, wasn't a bad thing, except that she was always pushing, in a way that probably wasn't completely healthy. She was never happy with herself, and a person has to have a certain level of self worth, has to like themselves at least to an extent, and Macy didn't. She never particularly had liked herself. She probably wouldn't have been friends with herself, had she been someone else.

She shook her head a bit when he apologized, a slightly puzzled look coming over her face, although she didn't say anything; he was already pressing on to selling his car for scrap metal. A slight shudder rippled up her spine. She had seen an accident once, on the side of the highway. She had just gotten a glimpse of the cars involved in the crash, and even that had been more than enough. She couldn't imagine coming out of that wreck alive. From everything Jason had told her, the fact that he was still here truly was nothing short of miraculous. She didn't understand all the terms, although she supposed she should have, but she got the meaning of the whole thing, because that was pretty simple. Jason shouldn't have been alive.

She nodded slightly when he said it truly was an addiction. She agreed. She had seen kids in her high school who's lives had been simply ravaged by their addictions to alcohol, and parties, and drugs, and sex, and who even knew what else? She didn't even want to know what went on at those parties. She had never been to one, although she knew Garret had, one night when he had been particularly angry, and he always wished he hadn't gone. He had told her it was disgusting, and that in itself was enough to make Macy avoid the things like the plague.

She shook her head once more when he apologized. "Seriously Jason, you don't have to apologize" she said, with the ghost of a smile. "I like hearing about it...well, not like, exactly. I'm not a masochist or anything" she said, shaking her head. "But it's not like it bothers me." She shrugged a little. "Sometimes you gotta get it out" she said simply, as if that explained the whole matter. And in her mind, it probably did. Macy often viewed things as black and white; not to a fault or anything, she recognized gray areas, but she had an almost childishly simplistic view of the world. Not immature by any means, but simply the way a child views it, in black and white.

She closed her eyes as he held her close to him. There really was something comforting in the simple gesture. It was another thing that Macy missed about home; hugs had always been in great supply there, from her parents, her brother, her friends. Even her guy friends who didn't share her values weren't above giving her hugs, and they knew better than to try and cross any of Macy's lines. And Macy was such a touchy-feely kind of person that it was something she appreciated more than most people. Someone probably would have said her love language was touch. Sappy as it probably sounded, it was true.

She closed her eyes and stepped back a little as his hold on her loosened, automatically putting distance between them again. Macy would probably have been an interesting person to watch, simply because she had lots of little habits, like that, keeping a certain distance between herself and anyone else. The little step back was something she had trained herself to, originally, because being in close proximity to people usually made her a little uncomfortable, for all she loved hugs. Now, though, it was something she did automatically, one of those things she did without thinking about.

Macy blinked rapidly, her eyes getting glossy with tears. For as open a person as she was, as much as she wore her every feeling on her face, she didn't often allow herself the luxury of tears. Well, the fact was, she never allowed herself the luxury of tears. Sometimes they just happened, and she could feel them starting. She had been fighting them off for a week, every little thing that happened nearly pushing her over the edge and certainly making her want to burst into tears. Now the fact that she was so close to crying, that she was crying, pissed her off to no end. Macy had little respect for people with no self control, and she especially hated it in herself.

She laughed humorlessly when he said that it didn't get better, and that it was worse after coming back. "So I'm finding out" she said softly. She could feel tears beginning to track down her face, and she heaved a huge sigh, giving up on trying to keep them from falling. She shifted slightly, so she faced away from Jason, another automatic reaction. She hated when she cried, and especially in front of people. She offered another humorless laugh as she reached up, wiping at her eyes with the heel of her hand. "I thought you liked Salt Lake?" she asked, the way she said it making it sound like more of a question. She crossed her arms over her stomach, her blue eyes focusing on a tree in the distance, trying to focus on anything except everything that was making her cry, which, at the moment, was pretty much everything.

and you're tied together with a smile ,
but you're coming undone
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tagged jason andrew irving words 112354 outfit click notes Baha. sorry it's all so dramatic. i'm not sure when i turned her into a drama queen. lol. xD template nixxy of CAUTION 2.0

[jason andrew irving]

He gave her a quizzical look when she said she didn’t want to dig herself farther into a hole, not understanding at all. “No, I want to hear what you have to say. And how are you digging yourself into a hole?” He wasn’t taking offense to anything she said; if he didn’t want to hear what she had to say, he wouldn’t have opened up to her and spilled everything that he had. He, too, had noticed that she wouldn’t meet his eyes and he instantly felt bad, feeling like it was his fault for not meeting hers a moment before. He sighed through his nose, dropping his eyes to the ground. Yes, when she accused him of not caring about his friends it had cut through him like a knife, but he had pushed it away. She was only trying to help. There was the possibility her words would come back later, when he was once again feeling down and beating himself up, but it wasn’t her fault. If it did come back to him later, it would be his own fault, not hers. There were times when he would start questioning himself and when that happened, some of the things others said would come back to him, good or bad. Some of the last words Ana had said to him before they broke up had constantly haunted him to the point it didn’t take long for him to believe that she was right and though when they had gotten back together, she had insisted the words weren’t true, it took him forever to let it go.

It was like that with any sort of argument with him, though. He would hold onto it for much longer than anyone else involved in it. And he would start questioning himself. “Why did I say this? Why didn’t I say that?” They would go through his mind hours after the disagreement was over, even after everyone had apologized and insisted it was part of the past. It was probably one of his biggest flaws. He would let it eat away at him, just like the guilt from his infidelity, until it really bothered him. Eventually it would get out, but for a while it would bother him to the point he would be questioning himself constantly, telling himself he had been wrong in the first place. Anytime it came to an argument, especially with someone he really cared about, it was always his fault it had started, whether or not it really was.

He scowled, obviously annoyed that he had ever picked up drinking. And that he had almost killed himself with it, that had just been stupid. In the two months starting when he had almost slept with his best friends, he made more mistakes, had more regrets than he could remember making in his entire life. Even now, long after it was over and everything had worked out, he still couldn’t get over it. There were times the regret was hardly there at all, but there were other times, times like this, when it seemed to completely take over and remind him time and time again that he had screwed up big time and somehow or another, things had still turned out right even though they shouldn’t have. Oh, of course he was grateful they had turned out the way they did, if they hadn’t there was a strong chance he wouldn’t be in Salt Lake anymore. And if he wasn’t in Salt Lake and he didn’t go back to New York, there was a good chance he probably would have picked up drinking again the way he drank, once he got started, there wasn’t much of an end in sight. If Ana hadn’t set him straight and continued to talk to him after that night, it was likely he would be dead.

The glazed look in his eyes faded away when he heard her voice again, sort of snapping out of the trance he had been in. He chuckled a bit humorlessly when she said she liked hearing about it, a little amused as she quickly corrected herself. “Well, even if it‘s good to get it out, nobody needs to hear about that. I was stupid, end of story,” he mumbled, giving a little shrug. Honestly, who would want to hear about all of that? He felt like he was just dumping baggage on her that she didn’t need to carry; she had enough of her own, she didn’t need his, too.

As she blinked rapidly, Jason knew almost immediately that she was fighting back tears. How he had grown to know that feeling and, as a guy, he hated it. Though she had taken a step away from him only a moment before, he stepped toward her and rested his arm on her back. Giving her a little smile, he sighed, knowing he had just turned down the same advice he was going to give her. “Sometimes it‘s better to let it out,” he murmured quietly, scratching her back in a comforting way. It was a little different for her, though. First of all, she was simply crying, not spilling every little detail of her worst moments and second of all, she was a woman. It was alright for them to cry. Men weren’t suppose to cry when things were going wrong, they were suppose to get over it. It hurt his slight ego whenever that happened.

A little sigh slipped from his lips as he heard her humorless laugh, scratching her back gently again. His dark eyebrows furrowed a bit as she turned away from him to hide her tears and he turned with her, hoping he wasn’t going to make her angry. As she wiped away her tears, questioning him, he let out another sigh, dropping his gaze for a moment. When he finally looked back in her eyes, he gave a little shrug. “I love Ana,” he explained simply. “And I like my friends here.” Biting his lip, he glanced away again, his eyes locked on an empty bench a little ways away. “But if it weren‘t for Annie, I wouldn‘t be here,” he muttered quietly, shrugging a bit. Of course there were two ways to take that, but in context he meant that he wouldn’t still be here in Salt Lake. A few weeks before her father had died, he had considered buying a one way ticket to New York instead of one back to Salt Lake. That would have taken a lot of time, though, packing and getting everything shipped out. It would have been easier to rent a U-Haul and drive back to New York instead of flying back. And then there was looking for a house there, too. If Annie hadn’t asked him to try again on the night that her father died, it was likely he would have found a place to stay when he went back to visit and would be living within an hour of his family.

TAGS ; Miss Macy Marlin
WORDS ; One Thousand, One Hundred, Seventy One
OUTFIT ; Standing Out In The Rain
NOTES ; Wow, sorry that took me two years to write.

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